Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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