I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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