apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
