The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Life without a bra equals bliss.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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