i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
