my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
