i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
