she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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