Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
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