I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
