I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
But theres a keg here and me gusta
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
