i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
