Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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