Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
