What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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