I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
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