I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
