I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
