Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
