I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Randomize
