we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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