I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize