I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
