i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
