I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
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