is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
