yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
