I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
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