Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Randomize
