some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
