Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I just googled if crying burns calories
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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