You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
