for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
