now i know why i became what i already was.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
