He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
