sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
