I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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