sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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