I cockslap morals
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Randomize
