My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize