It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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