So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Randomize
