Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
