Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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