apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
