You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Randomize
