I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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