dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
