i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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