i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
