we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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