New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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