Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Ketchup is God's man juice
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
