Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
we're making bets on your personal life
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
