now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Randomize
