somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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