I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
