if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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