I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
