He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
