I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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