i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
