I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize