You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize